| "I went to the fights the other night...and a | | | | gets charged. Unless somebody is sent to |
| hockey game broke out." --Rodney | | | | hospital with a life threatening injury, |
| Dangerfield. | | | | nobody even pays notices. Much like in the |
| | | | hot dog vendor business. |
| Every hockey fan has heard of Todd Bertuzzi. | | | | |
| Bertuzzi plays for the Vancouver Canucks. | | | | In fact, it's just like walking down the |
| Make that "fights" for the Vancouver Canucks. | | | | street in New York City. Oops, they cleaned |
| Make that "fought" for the Vancouver Canucks | | | | up New York City. People now turn their |
| -- he "might" not play again, after breaking | | | | heads to look when somebody screams "Help!" |
| fellow player Steve Moore's neck in a brutal | | | | |
| attack from behind. | | | | Hockey offers valuable lessons for players in |
| | | | other sports. For instance, if you are a |
| Imagine that happening in your workplace. | | | | baseball pitcher, aim for the batter's knees. |
| You rush a fellow call center associate in | | | | Just don't hit any vital organs that might |
| the next cubicle and beat her senseless. And | | | | force the police to ask you embarrassing |
| you "might" get fired. | | | | questions. |
| | | | |
| Or you leap over the counter at the nurses | | | | Basketball players also need a new strategy. |
| station and tackle another nurse. You | | | | Tripping. Tripping really is a very innocent |
| "might" get fired. | | | | thing. Just pretend it's not happening by |
| | | | looking in the other direction. It might not |
| Or you pick up a fellow hot dog vendor and | | | | even be illegal. |
| throw him into his cart, then stuff his mouth | | | | |
| full of wieners. You could get fired. | | | | Don't get me wrong, I know the police keep |
| Possibly. | | | | our streets safe, especially from the hot dog |
| | | | vendors. They keep the nurses stations safe. |
| Would George Bush let Saddam Hussein rule | | | | They keep the call centers safe. Should an |
| Iraq again? No. Would the courts release | | | | assault be immune from prosecution just |
| the Unabomber to experiment with explosives? | | | | because there are cheering fans? If a nurse |
| No. Would they fill all the vacant | | | | rounded up, say, a few thousand patients to |
| kindergarten teacher positions with surplus | | | | cheer, could she legally deck another nurse? |
| pedophiles? No? Would they let hockey goons | | | | |
| keep beating up fellow hockey players? Of | | | | What about the fans who egg on the players? |
| course. | | | | Accomplices! There is a place to legally |
| | | | encourage gouging, maiming, bone snapping, |
| Although necks don't break every day, thank | | | | impromptu facial makeovers, pain and |
| goodness, fighting, slashing, and other | | | | dismemberment. It's called the WWF. |
| brutalities occur several times in every | | | | |
| single NHL game. | | | | And there is a place for fighting. It's |
| | | | called "politics". It's OK to fight in a |
| "It's part of the game," say many fans. Even | | | | boxing ring, too, I suppose. |
| those who genuinely feel sorry for Steve | | | | |
| Moore. Hmm, last I looked, it was not "part | | | | Is there a place for violence in hockey? |
| of the game". In fact, there are rules | | | | Yes. There is a place for legal checking |
| against fighting, high-sticking, slashing and | | | | (body slams) as defined in the rules. A good |
| other attacks. | | | | hard hitting hockey game can be as exciting |
| | | | as, as, well, as exciting as two hostile |
| In the call center, this would be called | | | | nurses wielding razor sharp hot dog vendors |
| "attempted murder". In the nurses station, | | | | in an all-out amphibious assault on a |
| this would be called "assault". In the hot | | | | subversive call center in Iowa. No, wait - |
| dog vendor business, it's called "mergers and | | | | that was last night's movie. |
| acquisitions." | | | | |
| | | | But when the show gets stopped over and over |
| These assaults broadcast live on national | | | | to watch instant replays of live assaults in |
| television before an audience that includes | | | | mockery of the justice system, one wonders if |
| several thousand police officers. But nobody | | | | a hockey game will ever break out. |