| At what point is it time to bail out of a relationship?We | | | | on what to do on a night out always turned into |
| often hear of relationships which start out bad but | | | | something between a legal litigation and the Jerry |
| straighten out in the end. We even hear of | | | | Spriger Show.On one particular rainy Saturday night I |
| relationships which start out good but then turn sour. | | | | decided, rather than make the first suggestion as to |
| But when a relationship starts off with all the romantic | | | | where we should go, and start an argument, I'd leave |
| overtones of a documentary on the Asian flu, | | | | everything up to Sally. The moment I stepped into her |
| develops with the smoothness of an intoxicated | | | | house, I said, "Tonight we go anywhere you want to |
| chimpanzee doing a waltz on roller skates, then | | | | go."She asked, "Anywhere?"I said, "Anywhere."She |
| blossoms with the colorful brilliance of a malnourished | | | | shocked me with, "I want to go wherever you want to |
| vegetable, you know something's wrong. Such was | | | | go."I said, "Look, if you're not feeling well we can stay |
| my nine-month relationship with Sally. (Sally was not | | | | home and watch TV.""No, I'm feeling okay. Anywhere |
| her real name. But that didn't come as a terrible shock, | | | | you want to go is fine.""Okay, let's go bowling."She |
| since her age and hair color weren't real either.)That | | | | gave me a funny look, "Bowling?""Yes, tonight's a good |
| we were headed for rough times, was somewhat | | | | night for bowling.""You're in a mood to go bowling?""I |
| obvious on our first date. We had just seen a | | | | thought you want to go wherever I want to go.""I do. I |
| Broadway musical. Walking towards the car, I tried | | | | just want to make sure that that's where you want to |
| starting a conversation somewhere along the lines of | | | | go?""Yes," I replied, "that's where I want to go.""On a |
| "music," "dance," "scenery." How I failed so miserably I'll | | | | night like this?!" she screamed. "It's raining and disgusting |
| never know. Instead, she asked me if I could do her a | | | | out there!""Bowling is indoors!"After several moments |
| favor and take her dog to the veterinarian the next | | | | of silence, she said, "Why don't we go to a |
| day. I said, "But we hardly know each other."She said, | | | | movie?"Sarcastically, I said, "We can't go to a movie. |
| "So? Does my dog have to suffer because we hardly | | | | My dentist says I shouldn't eat popcorn.""Who says |
| know each other?"As we drove to a restaurant, I | | | | you have to eat popcorn? Why don't you suck a |
| sensed her attitude turning somewhat hostile. I started | | | | toasted marshmallow?"By the time we finally left her |
| feeling guilty about not agreeing to take her dog to the | | | | house, half the night was gone and we were no closer |
| vet. Her dog, I said to myself, probably had two broken | | | | to a decision as to where to go. The only reason we |
| hind legs, and Sally probably had to visit a sick aunt in | | | | left was because we couldn't even agree on which |
| the hospital. How could I be so inconsiderate? But | | | | room to argue in.Driving while engaged in a heated |
| when I found out her dog was going in for his annual | | | | debate and having no idea where you're going is next |
| chest X-ray, and she had an appointment with her hair | | | | to impossible. You begin seeing every corner as a |
| dresser, it made me furious. Was her hair more | | | | logistical dilemma. Do you turn left, right, or go straight |
| important than her dog's health? And I couldn't help | | | | ahead? It doesn't really matter. But it could if you |
| wondering how, many packs a day did her dog | | | | eventually decide where to go. Do you jump yellow |
| smoke?This is when it occurred to me that this date | | | | lights? You don't even know if you're in a rush.We |
| was not on the right track. Here we were between a | | | | finally reached a big intersection. No matter which way |
| play and a restaurant, and she was hostile and I was | | | | you looked there were about six choices -- main |
| furious. I had a more cordial relationship with my parole | | | | roads, divided roads, service roads, dirt roads, etc. It |
| officer.I thought, maybe we ought to go back to her | | | | drove me crazy. I pulled the car over and, in a rather |
| house, start the date over, and see if we can get it | | | | loud tone, said, "That's it! I've had it! We can't go on like |
| right. Then I realized what an unrealistic thought that | | | | this! We make one wrong turn here and we wind up in |
| was. What if her parents moved out while we were | | | | Yukon. You know what's in Yukon? Nothing! No |
| out on our date? She could become my responsibility. | | | | movies, no bowling, no restaurants, absolutely nothing -- |
| At least in the restaurant there was a chance she | | | | just more roads! You want to wind up in Yukon?!"A |
| might fall in love with the waiter and I'll go home | | | | little shook up, she took a deep breath and said, "Hey, |
| alone.We headed straight for the restaurant.I had a | | | | calm down. What are you getting so excited about?"I |
| feeling the hostility did not end in the car. As we looked | | | | said, "We have to make a decision now, before we |
| over the menu, she suggested I order large portions | | | | enter that intersection."She said, "I already said I |
| for myself. I asked, "Do I look that hungry?"She said, | | | | wanted to see a movie.""We can't see a movie |
| "No, you look lean and undernourished."I asked, "Why | | | | anymore -- it's too late. No movies start at one-thirty in |
| do you say that?"She said, "Your toupee is loose.""I | | | | the morning.""Okay, then let's go bowling.""Are you |
| don't wear a toupee. My hair is just a little messed up | | | | sure?" I asked. "Let's not rush into things. There are still |
| from keeping the car window open.""Well, my | | | | plenty of options open. We can go to the park and |
| ex-husband wore a toupee and he looked just like | | | | watch the dew settle on the leaves. We can take the |
| that.""Like what? Lean?""No, messed up.""Where did he | | | | Times Square Shuttle back and forth sixty-eight times |
| buy his toupee?" I asked. "In Mop-City?"She replied, | | | | and pretend we went cross-country. We can even go |
| "Who cuts your hair? Jack the Ripper?"And so, the | | | | upstate to a farm and watch the hens crow at the full |
| mood was set for a romantic dinner. I ordered lamb | | | | moon."She said, "Hens don't crow."I said, "After listening |
| chops, she ordered well-done steak. When we got our | | | | to us for a few minutes there's no telling what they'll |
| orders, she insisted her steak was not well-done and | | | | do.""And there's no full moon out.""By the time we |
| had the waiter take it back. While we waited for her | | | | make a decision there will be!"Some friends of mine |
| steak, we tried discussing a topic which could not | | | | were getting together in a nearby bowling alley that |
| possibly lead to any kind of dispute or resentment -- | | | | night. We headed in that direction. We arrived only to |
| we remained silent.A couple sitting at the next table | | | | find out that my friends had already left and the entire |
| looked at us, obviously amused. I said to them, "Would | | | | bowling alley had been taken over by a group of |
| you believe this is our first date?"As they both laughed, | | | | Japanese tourists having a tournament. We were |
| the guy asked, "What would you two do if you were | | | | informed that the only way we could play is if we |
| married?"I replied, "We'd probably shoot Intercontinental | | | | joined one of their teams.Ever get the feeling "this is |
| Ballistic Missiles at each other."When Sally's steak | | | | your last chance?" Well, I had a terrible feeling that this |
| arrived, I was a little embarrassed when she insisted | | | | tournament was the last thing going on in the entire city |
| her steak was still not well-done enough. The waiter | | | | that night. I decided we're not taking any chances -- |
| looked quite irritated. In an attempt to avoid a scene, I | | | | we played.The only one on our team who spoke |
| whispered, "Sally, please, don't give the waiter a hard | | | | english was the captain. And he had laryngitis. This |
| time."She said, "Don't worry about it. I can handle him."I | | | | was the first time in my life I bowled and played |
| said, "Don't be silly, he has a day job as a demolition | | | | "charade" at the same time.Although they were all a |
| expert for the Parking Violations Bureau. Your car'll | | | | bunch of nice people, the disappointment of expecting |
| never be safe in this town.""I don't care if he's a Swat | | | | to spend an evening with old friends in a local bowling |
| Team coordinator for the B'nai Brith," she replied angrily. | | | | alley and winding up in Japan, took its toll. My bowling |
| "That steak is not well-done and I want him to take it | | | | was not quite up to par. In the first game, while Sally |
| back." Sally and the waiter looked at each other like | | | | got five strikes, I got eleven gutter balls. Sally asked, |
| two disgruntled hockey players about to strike each | | | | "Didn't you once tell me you were a good bowler?"I |
| other with a puck. It was not a pretty sight. At that | | | | said, "'Good' is relative. The people I normally bowl with |
| moment, it became painfully clear to me that my | | | | get quite a bit of gutter balls -- in other people's lanes!" |
| chances of going home alone that evening were | | | | She didn't buy my definition of 'good.' So I tried |
| unfortuntely rather slim.As the waiter grudgingly took | | | | convincing her that in Japan gutter balls are worth |
| back Sally's steak once more, I knew I must be strong | | | | more points than strikes. She didn't buy that either. I felt |
| enough not to let little setbacks turn into major | | | | crushed.As the night wore on, I racked up so many |
| obstacles. There's always a light at the end of the | | | | gutter balls, I was sure the bowling alley was on a |
| tunnel. We were still on good terms with the busboy.In | | | | slant. But I said nothing. I knew the guy who built the |
| a short few minutes our waiter returned from the | | | | place and I didn't want to get him into trouble.As I drove |
| kitchen, carrying a tray with two plates. One plate | | | | sally home, I couldn't help thinking how the prospects of |
| contained a small stack of ashes, the other plate | | | | my becoming a professional athlete in Japan got shot |
| contained a steak and a blow torch. He leaned over | | | | right out of the water tonight. But I didn't let it bother |
| and said to Sally with a smirk, "Which one would you | | | | me. In Brooklyn, Pac Man still carried some weight.By |
| like? This one," pointing to the plate with ashes, "is | | | | the time I walked Sally to her front door, I had almost |
| already well-done, and this one," pointing to the other | | | | forgotten that the night started in anger and hostility. It's |
| plate, "you have to well-do yourself."In disgust, Sally | | | | amazing what frustration can do to you.As she |
| turned to me, "Do you believe this?"I said, "Take the | | | | searched through her pocketbook for her keys, she |
| ashes -- the blow torch is extra."Our meal up until this | | | | looked up and said, "You know, I had a rotten time |
| point raised some serious questions in my mind: If a | | | | tonight."I said, "Thank you. So did I."She said, "I don't think |
| date ends between the main course and dessert, | | | | I want to see you again.""I wasn't about to ask." I |
| does the guy have to pay the entire check? If he | | | | turned and walked towards my car. As I opened the |
| does, does this restaurant have a back exit?When I | | | | car door, I looked back "What time you want me to |
| finally did pay the check at the end of the meal, I got | | | | pick you up tomorrow night?"She said, "Eight o'clock." |
| this strange feeling that the owner wanted us as far | | | | We tried not to smile. I got in my car and drove |
| away from his restaurant as possible -- I got my | | | | off.And this is how the relationship lasted nine months. |
| change in Mexican currency.Believe it or not, this date | | | | Such relationships get too involved to end quickly. And |
| had a happy ending. I finally took Sally home -- and her | | | | they're far too strife-ridden to last forever.by Josh |
| parents were there! I was never so happy to see a | | | | Greenberger |
| girl's parents wait up for her. And I didn't even mind | | | | from shopndrop.comJosh Greenberger: A computer |
| hearing her father, who was apparently used to her | | | | consultant for over two decades, the author has |
| coming home earlier, say, "You should've been home | | | | developed software for such organizations as |
| an hour ago."I was tempted to add, We should've been | | | | NASA's Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, |
| home four hours ago.Strangely, I called her again only a | | | | Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase |
| week later. Despite all the things our first date left to | | | | Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author's literary works |
| be desired, one thing it was not -- dull. And that ain't | | | | have appeared in such periodicals as The New York |
| small potatoes.Three months later, we were still trying | | | | Post, The Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish |
| to get that first date right. Depending on how you look | | | | Press, and others. His articles have ranged from humor |
| at it, things got a lot worse or very exciting. Agreeing | | | | to scientific to topical events. Visit his site: shopndrop. |