| At what point is it time to bail out of a
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| | Spriger Show.On one particular rainy
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| relationship?We often hear of
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| | Saturday night I decided, rather than
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| relationships which start out bad but
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| | make the first suggestion as to where we
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| straighten out in the end. We even hear
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| | should go, and start an argument, I'd
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| of relationships which start out good but
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| | leave everything up to Sally. The moment
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| then turn sour. But when a relationship
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| | I stepped into her house, I said,
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| starts off with all the romantic
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| | "Tonight we go anywhere you want to
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| overtones of a documentary on the Asian
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| | go."She asked, "Anywhere?"I said,
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| flu, develops with the smoothness of an
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| | "Anywhere."She shocked me with, "I want
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| intoxicated chimpanzee doing a waltz on
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| | to go wherever you want to go."I said,
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| roller skates, then blossoms with the
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| | "Look, if you're not feeling well we can
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| colorful brilliance of a malnourished
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| | stay home and watch TV.""No, I'm feeling
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| vegetable, you know something's wrong.
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| | okay. Anywhere you want to go is
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| Such was my nine-month relationship with
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| | fine.""Okay, let's go bowling."She gave
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| Sally. (Sally was not her real name. But
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| | me a funny look, "Bowling?""Yes,
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| that didn't come as a terrible shock,
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| | tonight's a good night for
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| since her age and hair color weren't real
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| | bowling.""You're in a mood to go
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| either.)That we were headed for rough
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| | bowling?""I thought you want to go
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| times, was somewhat obvious on our first
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| | wherever I want to go.""I do. I just want
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| date. We had just seen a Broadway
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| | to make sure that that's where you want
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| musical. Walking towards the car, I tried
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| | to go?""Yes," I replied, "that's where I
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| starting a conversation somewhere along
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| | want to go.""On a night like this?!" she
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| the lines of "music," "dance," "scenery."
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| | screamed. "It's raining and disgusting
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| How I failed so miserably I'll never
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| | out there!""Bowling is indoors!"After
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| know. Instead, she asked me if I could do
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| | several moments of silence, she said,
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| her a favor and take her dog to the
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| | "Why don't we go to a
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| veterinarian the next day. I said, "But
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| | movie?"Sarcastically, I said, "We can't
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| we hardly know each other."She said, "So?
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| | go to a movie. My dentist says I
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| Does my dog have to suffer because we
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| | shouldn't eat popcorn.""Who says you have
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| hardly know each other?"As we drove to a
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| | to eat popcorn? Why don't you suck a
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| restaurant, I sensed her attitude turning
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| | toasted marshmallow?"By the time we
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| somewhat hostile. I started feeling
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| | finally left her house, half the night
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| guilty about not agreeing to take her dog
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| | was gone and we were no closer to a
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| to the vet. Her dog, I said to myself,
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| | decision as to where to go. The only
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| probably had two broken hind legs, and
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| | reason we left was because we couldn't
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| Sally probably had to visit a sick aunt
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| | even agree on which room to argue
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| in the hospital. How could I be so
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| | in.Driving while engaged in a heated
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| inconsiderate? But when I found out her
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| | debate and having no idea where you're
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| dog was going in for his annual chest
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| | going is next to impossible. You begin
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| X-ray, and she had an appointment with
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| | seeing every corner as a logistical
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| her hair dresser, it made me furious. Was
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| | dilemma. Do you turn left, right, or go
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| her hair more important than her dog's
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| | straight ahead? It doesn't really matter.
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| health? And I couldn't help wondering
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| | But it could if you eventually decide
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| how, many packs a day did her dog
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| | where to go. Do you jump yellow lights?
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| smoke?This is when it occurred to me that
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| | You don't even know if you're in a
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| this date was not on the right track.
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| | rush.We finally reached a big
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| Here we were between a play and a
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| | intersection. No matter which way you
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| restaurant, and she was hostile and I was
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| | looked there were about six choices --
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| furious. I had a more cordial
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| | main roads, divided roads, service roads,
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| relationship with my parole officer.I
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| | dirt roads, etc. It drove me crazy. I
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| thought, maybe we ought to go back to her
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| | pulled the car over and, in a rather loud
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| house, start the date over, and see if we
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| | tone, said, "That's it! I've had it! We
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| can get it right. Then I realized what an
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| | can't go on like this! We make one wrong
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| unrealistic thought that was. What if her
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| | turn here and we wind up in Yukon. You
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| parents moved out while we were out on
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| | know what's in Yukon? Nothing! No movies,
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| our date? She could become my
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| | no bowling, no restaurants, absolutely
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| responsibility. At least in the
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| | nothing -- just more roads! You want to
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| restaurant there was a chance she might
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| | wind up in Yukon?!"A little shook up, she
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| fall in love with the waiter and I'll go
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| | took a deep breath and said, "Hey, calm
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| home alone.We headed straight for the
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| | down. What are you getting so excited
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| restaurant.I had a feeling the hostility
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| | about?"I said, "We have to make a
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| did not end in the car. As we looked over
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| | decision now, before we enter that
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| the menu, she suggested I order large
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| | intersection."She said, "I already said I
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| portions for myself. I asked, "Do I look
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| | wanted to see a movie.""We can't see a
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| that hungry?"She said, "No, you look lean
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| | movie anymore -- it's too late. No movies
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| and undernourished."I asked, "Why do you
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| | start at one-thirty in the
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| say that?"She said, "Your toupee is
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| | morning.""Okay, then let's go
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| loose.""I don't wear a toupee. My hair is
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| | bowling.""Are you sure?" I asked. "Let's
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| just a little messed up from keeping the
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| | not rush into things. There are still
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| car window open.""Well, my ex-husband
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| | plenty of options open. We can go to the
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| wore a toupee and he looked just like
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| | park and watch the dew settle on the
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| that.""Like what? Lean?""No, messed
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| | leaves. We can take the Times Square
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| up.""Where did he buy his toupee?" I
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| | Shuttle back and forth sixty-eight times
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| asked. "In Mop-City?"She replied, "Who
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| | and pretend we went cross-country. We can
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| cuts your hair? Jack the Ripper?"And so,
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| | even go upstate to a farm and watch the
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| the mood was set for a romantic dinner. I
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| | hens crow at the full moon."She said,
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| ordered lamb chops, she ordered well-done
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| | "Hens don't crow."I said, "After
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| steak. When we got our orders, she
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| | listening to us for a few minutes there's
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| insisted her steak was not well-done and
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| | no telling what they'll do.""And there's
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| had the waiter take it back. While we
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| | no full moon out.""By the time we make a
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| waited for her steak, we tried discussing
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| | decision there will be!"Some friends of
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| a topic which could not possibly lead to
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| | mine were getting together in a nearby
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| any kind of dispute or resentment -- we
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| | bowling alley that night. We headed in
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| remained silent.A couple sitting at the
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| | that direction. We arrived only to find
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| next table looked at us, obviously
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| | out that my friends had already left and
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| amused. I said to them, "Would you
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| | the entire bowling alley had been taken
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| believe this is our first date?"As they
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| | over by a group of Japanese tourists
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| both laughed, the guy asked, "What would
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| | having a tournament. We were informed
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| you two do if you were married?"I
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| | that the only way we could play is if we
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| replied, "We'd probably shoot
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| | joined one of their teams.Ever get the
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| Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles at
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| | feeling "this is your last chance?" Well,
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| each other."When Sally's steak arrived, I
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| | I had a terrible feeling that this
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| was a little embarrassed when she
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| | tournament was the last thing going on in
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| insisted her steak was still not
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| | the entire city that night. I decided
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| well-done enough. The waiter looked quite
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| | we're not taking any chances -- we
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| irritated. In an attempt to avoid a
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| | played.The only one on our team who spoke
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| scene, I whispered, "Sally, please, don't
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| | english was the captain. And he had
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| give the waiter a hard time."She said,
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| | laryngitis. This was the first time in my
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| "Don't worry about it. I can handle
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| | life I bowled and played "charade" at the
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| him."I said, "Don't be silly, he has a
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| | same time.Although they were all a bunch
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| day job as a demolition expert for the
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| | of nice people, the disappointment of
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| Parking Violations Bureau. Your car'll
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| | expecting to spend an evening with old
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| never be safe in this town.""I don't care
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| | friends in a local bowling alley and
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| if he's a Swat Team coordinator for the
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| | winding up in Japan, took its toll. My
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| B'nai Brith," she replied angrily. "That
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| | bowling was not quite up to par. In the
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| steak is not well-done and I want him to
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| | first game, while Sally got five strikes,
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| take it back." Sally and the waiter
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| | I got eleven gutter balls. Sally asked,
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| looked at each other like two disgruntled
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| | "Didn't you once tell me you were a good
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| hockey players about to strike each other
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| | bowler?"I said, "'Good' is relative. The
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| with a puck. It was not a pretty sight.
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| | people I normally bowl with get quite a
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| At that moment, it became painfully clear
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| | bit of gutter balls -- in other people's
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| to me that my chances of going home alone
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| | lanes!" She didn't buy my definition of
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| that evening were unfortuntely rather
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| | 'good.' So I tried convincing her that in
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| slim.As the waiter grudgingly took back
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| | Japan gutter balls are worth more points
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| Sally's steak once more, I knew I must be
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| | than strikes. She didn't buy that either.
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| strong enough not to let little setbacks
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| | I felt crushed.As the night wore on, I
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| turn into major obstacles. There's always
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| | racked up so many gutter balls, I was
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| a light at the end of the tunnel. We were
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| | sure the bowling alley was on a slant.
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| still on good terms with the busboy.In a
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| | But I said nothing. I knew the guy who
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| short few minutes our waiter returned
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| | built the place and I didn't want to get
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| from the kitchen, carrying a tray with
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| | him into trouble.As I drove sally home, I
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| two plates. One plate contained a small
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| | couldn't help thinking how the prospects
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| stack of ashes, the other plate contained
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| | of my becoming a professional athlete in
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| a steak and a blow torch. He leaned over
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| | Japan got shot right out of the water
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| and said to Sally with a smirk, "Which
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| | tonight. But I didn't let it bother me.
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| one would you like? This one," pointing
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| | In Brooklyn, Pac Man still carried some
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| to the plate with ashes, "is already
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| | weight.By the time I walked Sally to her
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| well-done, and this one," pointing to the
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| | front door, I had almost forgotten that
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| other plate, "you have to well-do
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| | the night started in anger and hostility.
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| yourself."In disgust, Sally turned to me,
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| | It's amazing what frustration can do to
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| "Do you believe this?"I said, "Take the
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| | you.As she searched through her
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| ashes -- the blow torch is extra."Our
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| | pocketbook for her keys, she looked up
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| meal up until this point raised some
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| | and said, "You know, I had a rotten time
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| serious questions in my mind: If a date
| |
| | tonight."I said, "Thank you. So did
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| ends between the main course and dessert,
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| | I."She said, "I don't think I want to see
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| does the guy have to pay the entire
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| | you again.""I wasn't about to ask." I
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| check? If he does, does this restaurant
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| | turned and walked towards my car. As I
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| have a back exit?When I finally did pay
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| | opened the car door, I looked back "What
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| the check at the end of the meal, I got
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| | time you want me to pick you up tomorrow
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| this strange feeling that the owner
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| | night?"She said, "Eight o'clock." We
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| wanted us as far away from his restaurant
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| | tried not to smile. I got in my car and
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| as possible -- I got my change in Mexican
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| | drove off.And this is how the
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| currency.Believe it or not, this date had
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| | relationship lasted nine months. Such
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| a happy ending. I finally took Sally home
| |
| | relationships get too involved to end
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| -- and her parents were there! I was
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| | quickly. And they're far too
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| never so happy to see a girl's parents
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| | strife-ridden to last forever.by Josh
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| wait up for her. And I didn't even mind
| |
| | Greenberger
|
| hearing her father, who was apparently
| |
| | from shopndrop.comJosh Greenberger: A
|
| used to her coming home earlier, say,
| |
| | computer consultant for over two decades,
|
| "You should've been home an hour ago."I
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| | the author has developed software for
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| was tempted to add, We should've been
| |
| | such organizations as NASA's Goddard
|
| home four hours ago.Strangely, I called
| |
| | Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles
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| her again only a week later. Despite all
| |
| | Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase
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| the things our first date left to be
| |
| | Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author's
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| desired, one thing it was not -- dull.
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| | literary works have appeared in such
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| And that ain't small potatoes.Three
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| | periodicals as The New York Post, The
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| months later, we were still trying to get
| |
| | Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish
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| that first date right. Depending on how
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| | Press, and others. His articles have
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| you look at it, things got a lot worse or
| |
| | ranged from humor to scientific to
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| very exciting. Agreeing on what to do on
| |
| | topical events. Visit his site:
|
| a night out always turned into something
| |
| | shopndrop.
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| between a legal litigation and the Jerry
| |
| |
|
