| Few things are as rewarding as seeing your child glow | | | | melody.6. Carve out "one on one" time with each child. |
| from the inside out. And it happens when children have | | | | Try to come up with a shared activity that honors |
| a high self esteem: when they know themselves to be | | | | what each of you enjoy. My daughter loves to go on |
| unconditionally accepted, when they feel both loved | | | | a date to Starbucks, just the two of us, for a shared |
| and lovable, and when they feel a sense of belonging | | | | Double Chocolate Chip Frappucino. The other likes to |
| and self worth.Here are twelve simple activities that | | | | go to the library where we each choose special |
| have really made a difference in our family. These are | | | | books. The other likes to ride his tricycle up and down |
| the rituals that I find especially important to staying | | | | the neighborhood streets with me running alongside. |
| connected and to communicating my love and | | | | This does not have to take a lot of time and can |
| appreciation for each child.1. Rely on rituals to help you | | | | involve an activity that you would be doing anyway. |
| reconnect. We have such a ritual following every | | | | You can even decide to allow one child to go to bed a |
| school day. The kids think of it as "after school snack | | | | bit later each week so you have some time alone to |
| time" but I know it to be much more than that. It is a | | | | chat, read together, or play a game of cards.7. Create |
| time when they tell me whatever they like about their | | | | a safe environment. It has been really important for us |
| day. Try to create this special time as soon as | | | | to make the kids know it is safe to make mistakes. As |
| possible after their day away at school. I find that if I | | | | someone who has battled perfectionism in the past, I |
| wait until later in the evening to ask them the same | | | | know that the unconditional acceptance of a family is |
| open ended questions, I hear mostly "I do not | | | | vital. When your home is a safe place for your children |
| remember" and "Everything was fine." For us, | | | | to share their mistakes and perceived failures as well |
| immediacy is important, and so is the ability to sit and | | | | as their triumphs, you foster a sense of safety and |
| listen without offering too much unsolicited advice. | | | | acceptance. You might want to share times in your |
| Family dinners are another wonderful time to | | | | own life when you made a mistake (or even those |
| reconnect.2. Create special time for just your | | | | times when a perceived mistake was actually a |
| immediate family. To do this, you may need to set | | | | blessing.) And try to pay close attention to an |
| gentle boundaries for neighbors and friends. For | | | | overemphasis on criticizing or correcting your child, as |
| example, we have a neighborhood filled with very | | | | well as to an overemphasis of criticizing things that |
| close relationships and no fewer than 14 young | | | | other people do.8. Engage your children in the tasks of |
| children. When we first moved in, we had kids | | | | the household. This fosters a sense of belongingness |
| knocking on our door from the crack of dawn till way | | | | and personal responsibility, a mutual respect and a |
| past the sun set in the evening. We found that our | | | | sense of teamwork. There are jobs that children of all |
| time alone as a family was diminishing by the day as | | | | ages can do. Maybe it is setting the table or passing |
| our younger children would run outside to play at the | | | | out the napkins. My three year old son likes to help me |
| first invitation, and the competition from such a fun | | | | sweep the floor, but I suspect he really just likes to |
| outdoor world really disrupted the closeness of certain | | | | play broom hockey with the crumbs. At some point, |
| special family times. It did not take long before our | | | | they grow up enough where their efforts to help are |
| family relationship was feeling the stress, so we chose | | | | actually helpful. One child likes to help me make dinner, |
| a symbol that is universally accepted and respected | | | | another likes to help me clean up. We are still working |
| throughout the neighborhood: when the curtains on our | | | | on my son.9. Make simple occasions special. The kids |
| front windows are drawn, the neighborhood children | | | | love it when we turn off all the lights at dinner and eat |
| know that we are having time together as a family. | | | | by candlelight. It makes them feel treasured, and we |
| When the curtains open for the day, we welcome the | | | | talk about how just a simple change in the way we do |
| neighborhood children with open arms. I hope this | | | | things can make all the difference.10. Show your |
| gentle boundary sends a message to our kids, too, that | | | | enthusiasm. I remember as a child, even if my mom or |
| it is okay (essential, even) to take time out for yourself | | | | dad was embroiled in a task, I knew that they were |
| and for nurturing the relationships with your closest | | | | happy I was around. The deep roots of self esteem |
| loved ones.3. Give each child tangible reminders of | | | | that come from such a knowing have affected |
| your love. You could write a note to your child on each | | | | everything I have done since. Even if you are busy, |
| birthday, detailing events over the past year that made | | | | make sure your enthusiasm shows when your child |
| you particularly proud and spotlighting traits that make | | | | walks into the room. You do not have to stop what |
| him or her special. Or keep a jar, box, or journal titled | | | | you are doing. Just send them signals, verbal or |
| "Things I Love About You" and add notes to it | | | | nonverbal, that you are happy they arrived.11. Praise. |
| whenever they occur to you. Whenever your child is | | | | So much has been said lately about the danger of |
| feeling down, he or she can spend a few moments | | | | overpraising a child, and it is certainly important to be |
| with these treasures.4. Develop a special song or | | | | careful when offering praise. You want the child to |
| phrase for each of your children. My second child, for | | | | reward themselves internally for a job well done, and |
| example, has always adored the song "You are my | | | | not to be constantly looking for a carrot. I have |
| sunshine," but part of the song defines the relationship | | | | recently heard it said that the most positive kind of |
| in terms of exclusivity. ("You are my sunshine, my only | | | | praise occurs when you are praising their personal |
| sunshine.") So we had to adapt it for each of the other | | | | judgment, and I think that is very wise. Lots of healthy |
| children. To do this, we substituted a special word for | | | | praise is a beautiful thing.12. Reflect often on the |
| each child and that has become their own special | | | | beauty (and the power) of parenting. Here is a ritual |
| song. My son is Moonshine and my older daughter is | | | | from my household: Once my children have fallen |
| Starshine. (In case you are wondering, Mom is | | | | asleep at night, I watch them peacefully sleep for a |
| Heartshine and Dad is SuperHeroshine. No kidding.) | | | | few moments and think about how much happiness |
| Even as they get older, they love to hear their own | | | | they created that day for me. I try to quiet my mind, |
| special song and they love to sing the songs to one | | | | just for a moment or two, and think about how very |
| another, too.5. Use repetitive phrases to teach | | | | much I adore them. Meditating on this inner knowing, |
| important life lessons. With my oldest child, we are | | | | however briefly, can make it easier to be tolerant of |
| working to help her feel a sense of control over her | | | | those little things that all children do to drive us nuts. It is |
| own emotions. Whenever something comes up, we | | | | also helpful to think often about how instrumental your |
| say these words repeatedly: "You can not choose | | | | love will be to their happiness and their worldview both |
| what people do, but you can choose how you react to | | | | now and way off into the future.Susie Cortright is the |
| it." I have heard her say it now, too, to her younger | | | | founder of Momscape.com, devoted to providing |
| siblings. Choose an important lesson that you want to | | | | valuable resources for parents. Visit the site today for |
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